The purple alligator dozed happily in the tall grass beneath the raised walkway at the reptile garden while dozens of schoolchildren pranced unsuspectingly above.

Here are some brilliant entries into the Bulwer-Lytton Literary Contest. Submissions need to be in soon so don’t delay. If you send me your sentence I’ll forward it on and claim credit.

Not so Humble submissions from literary geniuses I know.  They are all winners!

Winner Shortest Novel Category

Sorry, but I’m retired from doing anything witty or creative.

                                                                                                                        Doctor Doctor

Honorable Mention:  Shameless Government Worker (Affirmative Action Award)

He who cares the least, wins; who would have thought that was the key to success working for Uncle Sam?

                                                                                                Shameless Government Worker

Things you never tell your mother Category

Sure, my mother was dying of lung disease, but the real cancer I was going to have to remove was her collection of Nantucket albino hamsters.

                                                                                                                        Some mother’s son

Dark and Stormy Category

It was a dark and stormy afternoon in the middle of early spring as the worms started to come out of hibernation in time for the early birds to catch them and take them to nests of young hatchlings, where the long, wet food was greeted hungrily while hail pelted the leaves above the bustling, glistening emerald ground canopy of bluegrass mottled by the large rapidly melting white specks of frozen rain.

                                                                        Somebody who’s actually read Bulwer-Lytton

Here are my potential entries to this year’s Bulwer-Lytton Literary Contest

Romance:

Gwendolyn threw down the literary gauntlet, no more meaningless prose shaded with profanity to hold his interest, but a slow warm sultry prose, like the kind that warmed them both by the campfire they’d built before the fire burnt down the forest.

Crime:

No clues here said Miss Scarlet still clutching the lead pipe as Mr. Green lie dead on the floor, his head surrounded by the blood-stained carpet in the conservatory, meanwhile Colonel Mustard remained in the library with Mrs. Peacock, he holding a revolver, she a candlestick, suddenly, a loud knock on the front door, it was Professor Plum, where is Mrs. White?

Science Fiction:  

Professor Aghast Smitly looked tired – another long night of a long career – Smitly was a highly specialized astronomer, they all were – the professor specialized in dwarf stars – sadly he thought, I’ve named seven already, perhaps I should retire.  

It appeared as a dark and lonely planet as their spaceship touched down on a pile of oddly shaped rocks, rocks with an almost rectangular shape and red in color, just like the air, full of a kind of grit, the kind that gets everywhere; your eyes, nose, seeping into your lungs – welcome to Pittsburgh the Captain said.

Children’s Literature:

Happy walked into Doc’s office, sat down, sneezed, and turned his head in a bashful smile, a bit sleepy after the car ride, Doc thought him dopey while Happy just wanted to cheer Doc up.  

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a big fall; the kind of fall that would break your collar bone, if giant eggs had collar bones.

Dark & Stormy:

It was a dark and stormy night, not the kind with an actual storm and it wasn’t going to get dark for another six months here in Fairbanks.

It was a dark and stormy night, the kind that turns into a day, peppered with white puffy clouds, and brilliant sunshine – the End.

It was a dark and stormy night, which leads to murder, mayhem, and mystery; the very things I left out of the story due to the size and complexity of fitting it all in.  

It was a dark and stormy night, the kind that leads to a gloomy day filled with sorrow; my therapist said writing it down would cheer me up, it does.

Before the dark and stormy night passed, it was the worst of times, but then it slowly dawned to unveil the best of times for a boy named Ishmael.  

2 comments

  1. It’s amazing how long these sentences can go on in unrelenting denial; ignoring, bargaining and evading, unwilling to admit it’s time for their period. Again.

    Like

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