Have you ever noticed how in most cultures, you can’t tell a new mother her child is ugly? Most cultures.
I love nature. After all, I was a Boy Scout and everything. I love nature, but why does it have to be so dirty?
Daylight savings. Enough said.
Better to burst into flames than believe your spouse made a mistake.
TSA: I don’t hate TSA. They’ve got a tough job. I hate the folks in line, from the pissed-off businessman who’s late to the family of four carrying on all their worldly possessions.
COVID-19: Just when you thought Americans couldn’t get any uglier, then came that damn virus. Don’t worry. We’ve reached herd stupidity. The only thing good about COVID is that, given the mask mandate, I don’t have to look at ugly people.
Oh, Canada: I wrote this review of Canada in 2019 when we took our RV to Alaska.
2019: Since we are just passing through on our way to the United States of America from the United States of America, I thought we could just drive through and retain our culture and customs, no problem. But then, the confusion set in. Did you see that sign? How far is a kilometer? Did you see that other sign? How fast is 100 kilometers per hour? Need gas? How many gallons in a litre? Why do they spell it wrong? It’s going to be 11 degrees today. Do we need parkas?
Many of you passed my lesson on 12-volt electricity with flying fillings (isn’t it tingly when you touch the wrong wire?). Here is your short primer on how to travel to Canada and not go loony. They even have a picture of a loon on their $1 coin. How odd is that? Apparently, George Loon was Canada’s first Prime Minister. You see, in Canada, things are the same, yet not quite. Yes, they have dollars, quarters, dimes, and nickels but no pennies. Come to think of it, why do we have pennies? Yes, they do have pennies. Unfortunately, none of them are equal to what you think they are, so you end up paying more for everything and have no idea how much anything costs. Why can’t Canadians use American money, real money? Canadians are happy to take your American money, but then they make change in fake Canadian money — you get to make small donations to our friends up north.
So here are the essentials of units-of-measure you’ll need while traveling through Canada. 1 kilometer equals .62 miles, or 1 mile equals 1.61 kilometers. 1 meter equals 3.28 ft, or 1 ft equals .3 meters. 1 liter equals .26 gallons, or 1 gallon equals 3.79 liters. Got it? There’s going to be a quiz.
Second semester: You convert degrees Fahrenheit into Celsius by subtracting 32 and then multiplying by 5/9. Seriously, your kids learned this in school. Please keep up. So, we woke up yesterday, and the radio announcer said that the temperature in Calgary was 11. I mean, it was July 8th, and the announcer said it was 11. Email us the correct temperature in real degrees, not Canadian degrees. Email us back, and you might win your own hardcopy printout of this blog. You must have a printer to win.
Lastly, the Canadian interwebs; staying connected to family and friends is really important to us. Also, these blogs are how I’m paying for all those Canadian speeding tickets (it didn’t seem like I was going that fast if you convert km/hr to miles/hr in your head while you’re pulling out your driver’s license, birth certificate, passport and all the bananas in your trailer.) Anyway, our Verizon Beyond Unlimited Plan costs only $150 per month US or $8,748,942 Canadian. Don’t even get me started on what beyond unlimited means. The trouble with unlimited data in Canada is that it is only good until you download your latest junk email. “Like this one.” I heard you say that. After one or maybe two emails, voila! No more unlimited. So as soon as you figure out how to log on, your Verizon unlimited data is slowed down to a pace that rivals squeezing a stick of butter through a dirty sock. Apparently, Verizon has an Ultra Unlimited Plan – who knew?
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The Military: Why should the military get a pass when complaining about the rest of the government is fair game? Are we still looking for WMDs? I can’t remember. I don’t watch the news anymore. And what about Afghanistan? What a fiasco. Of course, you can complain about the military. I won’t get offended. But it’s better to complain about the military if you’re a veteran. I tell my military friends I spent twenty-two years in the Air Force, avoiding military service. Due to their frail sensitivities, I won’t complain about the Marines. Nobody likes a mad Marine.
Let’s start with the ‘rust pickers.’ The Navy. Two-hundred-twenty years of tradition unhampered by progress. What’s the difference between a battleship and a destroyer? “Don’t know,” said the Air Force pilot, “they both look like targets.” I have a good friend who retired as a Navy captain. It took him twenty years to make that rank. In the Air Force, I made it in four. They say the Army gets more done by nine AM than most people do all day. Coffee. I have my morning coffee around nine. Feel free to complain about the military. It’s a big institution. They can handle it.
Religion: Why is your religion the one true faith, and all other religions are a cult? I’m not spiritual, but I like hedging my bets. While I don’t believe I’ll take the express elevator to the top floor, I also don’t think I’ll land in the basement. So, my elevator ride will stop a few floors below. I believe small acts of kindness will minimize my time in Purgatory. I’m not complaining about beliefs. I think faith is an essential ingredient to a happy and caring life. What bothers me is organized religions. All of them. Let’s gloss over the fact that more wars were fought over religion than for any other reason. Let’s move past the fact that all religions subjugate women. All of them.
To hell with a woman president. I want a woman pope. I was a Boy Scout and a Catholic. Shouldn’t I get reparations or something? Why are there so many flavors of Christian religions? Wasn’t Jesus just one man? Maybe it’s that Holy Trinity thing? I once thought it would be cool to be a Mormon. You know, multiple wives and special underwear. I can’t handle the wife I have, so that’s out. If a Muslim prays five times a day but a Methodist only once a year, can they both go to heaven? Given their brutal treatment throughout history, I’ll leave the Jewish faith alone. Just don’t make me watch any more Seinfeld episodes. I know, religions perform outstanding charitable work worldwide. Yes, they do. On a global scale, it’s a tiny fraction of the aid governments provide, but it does fill in much-needed holes. And what about the sense of community and support you get from organized religions? Yes, I think that’s wonderful.
My only problem with organized religion is taxes. I think everyone and everything should pay taxes. Churches, charities, and non-profits should pay their fair share. It’s the price of living in a free society. Aren’t corporations people? I think everyone and everything should pay taxes. I think children should pay taxes as well. Maybe kids should pay small taxes. Not less money than adults but with only dimes and pennies. On account of their tiny hands.
There you have it. At least I didn’t call your baby ugly.
Favorite line: “Email us back, and you might win your own hardcopy printout of this blog. You must have a printer to win.”